


If You Were Gay

by Zee (orphan_account)



Category: Wedding Crashers (2005)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-05
Updated: 2006-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-10 14:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Zee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That'd be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Were Gay

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a pinch-hit for Yuletide 2005. *Huge* thanks to some_stars for beta-ing despite not having seen the movie.

John didn’t think much of it at the time, probably because he’d had four glasses of wine at that point and Carrie (or was it Cassie?) was climbing into his lap and telling him that her hotel room had a hot tub in it. He just noticed Jeremy exiting the wedding with someone, looking pleased with himself, and then Carrie-Cassie’s tongue was in his mouth. He didn’t really take the time to see who the someone *was.*

It was only later, after the hot tub and during the oral sex portion of the evening, that he realized what had happened. “That *shithead!*”

Carrie-Cassie looked up from her position between his thighs and glared at him. “Ex-*cuse* me?”

“Uh,” John said, his mind still on Jeremy’s deed. “Nothing?”

Carrie-Cassie narrows her eyes and goes back down, but John can’t concentrate on the activities at hand, and she ends up kicking him out and yelling at him for false advertisement. It’s a long walk home; plenty of time to stew over fucking Jeremy and his fucking choice of company.

John barely sleeps that night, and he heads over to Jeremy’s house early the next morning. Jeremy answers the door in his ratty old pink bathrobe with suitcases under his eyes. “This better be fucking good. You know how I feel about waking up before noon on the day after,” he says upon opening the door. 

“Oh, it’s fucking good. What the *fuck*, man!” John says. He’s jittery from too much coffee, too much thinking about stupid Jeremy, and not enough sleep.

Jeremy scratches his neck and yawns. “All right, princess, what’s got your panties in a bunch?” 

“Oh, I think you know what’s got my panties—what I’m upset about.”

Jeremy rolls his eyes. “Uh, no, I actually have no clue, considering my unfortunate lack of psychic abilities.”

John really doesn’t want to spell it out. “Since when,” he says, keeping his voice low, “do we go to weddings to hook up with—you know-“

“*What?* Speak up, John, I can’t-“

“You had gay sex last night!” John yells. The old lady walking her dog across the street stops to stare at them.

Jeremy just gawks. “Okay, thank you for a) stating the obvious, and b) stating the obvious to my *entire neighborhood,* asshole.” Jeremy yanks John’s arm and pulls him inside, shutting the door behind them.

“Now.” Jeremy blocks the doorway and crosses his arms over his chest. “I’m not sure how the fact that I had gay sex (more than once, I might add) last night translates to you coming over here and yelling at me before I’ve had my coffee or hangover remedy.”

“You’re *not sure?* Jesus, Jeremy—what—how—“ John runs a hand through his hair and tries to think in complete sentences. “Okay. Fine. You want to know what my problem is? Since *when* are you gay, for one thing, and also, it is so against the rules to hook up with a *guy* at a wedding!”

“Oh, don’t you dare try and quote the rules at me,” Jeremy said angrily, jabbing his finger at John’s chest. “I have those things memorized, baby, and there is nothing in there prohibiting going home with the gay cousin instead of the hot bridesmaid. And what the fuck is it to you if I sometimes like a little cock before my morning wheaties?”

“Before your-“ John’s eyes widen in horror. “Oh god. Is he *still here?*”

“Yes, and you’re going to wake him up and get your *ass kicked* for being homophobic, because the guy’s like 6’5” or something.”

“I’m not homo-“ John tries again. “It’s *got* to be against the rules. It probably just didn’t occur to Chazz to even put it in, because it’s so *bizarre*-“

“Oh, get the fuck over yourself, John!” Jeremy’s voice is rising, too; he’s getting pissed. “How is this even a big deal? It’s not like I abandoned you!”

“Yes you did! You—you abandoned my sexual orientation! It’s practically the same thing!”

“Oh for-“ Jeremy looks like he’s going to yell something else, but they both stop, because there’s a 6’5” incredibly handsome blonde man staring at them from the top of Jeremy’s stairway.

“Am I interrupting something?” He says dryly, and John turns beet red.

“No, just my friend John making an ass of himself,” Jeremy snaps. John opens his mouth to retort, but then the blonde guy smirks and walks over to Jeremy, planting a very open-mouthed goodbye kiss on his lips, and John is too busy trying to not have a complete mental breakdown to think of a witty comeback.

The blonde guy nods politely at John, says “See you around” to Jeremy, and then he’s gone. Jeremy looks like a cat who just got finished with a bowl of cream.

“I hate you,” John says stiffly. He tries to shoulder past Jeremy and get to the door, but Jeremy grabs his arm.

“Hey, come on! This isn’t a big deal, okay? You are so full of-“

John kisses him. He has no idea why; he doesn’t think the idea even really occurs to him until his tongue is already past Jeremy’s teeth. It just seemed like the thing to do.

When John lets him go, Jeremy instantly says, “Oh ho! I *knew* you wanted my ass!”

“You did not. And I don’t.” 

“Right. Of course you don’t. Which is why you’re not squeezing it right now.” John hastily stops touching the body part in question, blushing. He tries to step back, but Jeremy’s arms are around him and Jeremy doesn’t seem to be keen on letting go. So John stays put and lets Jeremy suck on his tongue some more. Jeremy tastes like sleep and his stubble is scratchy and the pink bathrobe sort of smells, and John thinks that he might be okay with doing this every once in a while. Maybe even all the time, twice a day, on the kitchen table and on the stairs and out on the porch, during *weddings.* He likes the sound of that. 

\-- well, except that it does sound inarguably gay. Which John is inarguably *not.* He pulls back from the kiss. “Jeremy, man, you know I’m not gay.”

Jeremy waves a hand. “Yeah yeah, you love the pussy, that’s been established, can we go have sex now?”

“...Yeah, okay.” 

After all, being gay can’t be too bad if Jeremy’s doing it.


End file.
